Jun
20
So, who else hated Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?
Well, OK: I didn’t hate it. And neither did you, probably, right? I mean, it was bad, yeah, but you didn’t hate it, right? Think about it: Harrison Ford has still played Indy, Han Solo, Jack Ryan and Rick Deckard. And nothing can take that away from us. If Harrison Ford wants to make movies about flying refrigerators and interdimensional quartz-skulled aliens for the rest of his career, he’s more than earned the right. Hell, I watched Random Hearts — and nothing, not even an entire league of Shia LaBoofs, swinging on jungle vines surrounded by monkeys, can be worse than that movie.
One thing I dislike more than Random Hearts, however, is reading the same damn thing over and over again on the Internet. I realize that the sociology of the Web means that memes will crop up over and over again, but good LORD if I read one more comment by the Keyboard and Mountain Dew Game Fuel League about how Stephen Spielberg raped someone’s childhood, I’m gonna raise $200 million to shoot Indiana Jones and the Long, Meandering Conversation With Justin Long, just to cheese everyone off.
Unfortunately, the fact that 100 million mouth-breathing basement dwellers believe a thing does not make it untrue. Skull is still, more or less, a crappy movie — and crappy movies are always a great excuse for good writing. But how to do it without sounding overdone?
Rod Hilton has figured out how, with his “abridged script” for the latest Indy movie. Here’s an excerpt:
SHIA and HARRISON go to SOUTH AMERICA to look for the next CLUE. SHIA flips his knife around in his hand trying to look badass, but actually grabs it by the blade. Twice. Seriously.
HARRISON FORD
Alright, the walkthrough for the movie says that our next clue is in a spooky graveyard. We should probably save our game here.
SHIA LABEOUF
Pick up MAP. Use MAP on HARRISON FORD. Walk To TOMB.
Here’s the ironclad rule that Rod Hilton stuck to when he wrote this (whether he knows it or not): If you’re going to say what everyone else is saying, you’d damned well better have a better way to say it than they do.
See, we all look for ways to reaffirm what we already think. It’s why I watch Keith Olbermann and my Republican friend watches Sean Hannity. And there’s nothing wrong with trying to capitalize on the current zeitgeist by taking advantage of people’s tendency to seek out the comforting and familiar. Unfortunately, that tendency is also our Achilles’ heel — particularly for those of us who are writers.
Let your personal rule be this: If it’s been done, don’t do it again. If it’s been said, don’t say it again. If it’s a popular opinion, don’t add to the din; create your own voice.
The only redeeming feature is Harrison Ford. Can’t help but like him.
I laughed. I cried. I learned a deep moral lesson. Thank you for this post.
That movie was terrible. I had never seen an Indiana Jones before, and all my friends were telling me they were awesome. I beg to differ. Just a movie full of unrealistic scenes and aliens. I mean seriously, what is the go there?
With your last sentence you just put out 99,99% of the internet (and blogging) content. Most of it is writing about what others have already written.
And you do it by citing Rob Hilton
To repeat one, already thought, thought again:
If the audience is clapping, it is in reality clapping its own memory, because they always clap loudest when they already know the song.
well I didnt exactely hate it. I actually thought I was intertained throughout the movie.And Spielberg is very good at this. He never seem to miss a chance to stand out somehow - however dull the story.
But when that is said I must say the story is horrible and Harrison Ford is a very poor actor, however sympathetic he seems.
My son on 16 loved it, and that is the perfect age for this kind of movie.
The story line in the old Indiana Jones was much more intriging and culture originated. Too much science fiction in this one.
Loved the ending scene though, where the pyramid takes of and reveals itself as the spaveship it really was. hehe. why not.
chillout chill out triphop electronic downbeat
Downbeat / Chill Out artist Ganga
I hadn’t seen it yet, but not that you guys mention it, it’s going down to the bottom of my “see” list.
The trailers do make it look exciting, though. 
I am not an Indiana Jones fan, so the movie was okaey. Just had to sit through it with the friends.
Tell me if you can’t talk about something that has already been done, what do you talk about? Guess the future?
You know its only when you have some information can you share or expand on it.
I am going to the opposite of what you have said in your post about the new Indiana movie.
I look at it this way. Indiana has found an ark that melts peoples faces when looked upon, saved magical stones that made crops grow from people that could rip hearts out, then he found a magical cup that gave eternal life to whomever drank out of it.
If you don’t like the whole flying saucer thing and aliens then you need to look at the other Indiana Jones’. They are just as far fetched, but at least the crystal skulls were based on actual objects and artifacts. Was the Ark? Was the Holy Grail? They may have references and stories about them in the bible and other writs, but no actual objects. I am not to sure about the stones from Doom, but still I am sure if people would think about the movie rather than a brush off as soon as aliens are mentioned then they would understand it is a fun movie with great action, like the others. Even if they are ‘unrealistic’, but then again the others were just as bad if that were the case.
Okay I only saw the one with the holy grail and thats the one I meant was more culture bound. I didnt see the others.
I normally love science fiction, but this kind of teenage comedy is really not my thing - even though I enjoyed it in some strange way anyway.
I just didnt bring me anywhere I guess.
I just saw the new directors cut of “Bladerunner”. I love that movie, even though the story there is also not fantastic, it has all this amazing scenery.
I guess I just has to live with Harrison Ford, which also stars in this one.
Downbeat / Chill Out artist Ganga
I learned a deep moral lesson. Thank you for this post.
I guess getting famous is tough, but once you get there, your fans careless if once in a while you produce crap
Someone mentioned they were thinking about doing the 4th one. I laughed!
I thought it was an OK film but not the greatest.
I haven’t watched it yet though I was surprised since it feels like the time of Indiana jones has already past I mean he isn’t really james bond